I was at work, running an errand to the bank. Plenty on my mind distracting me from the busyness of the day. Luckily I keep a notebook in my car for such a moment when I feel inspired to jot something down. This is the essay I wrote in the drive-thru of the bank the other day. I have not edited it- I wanted to keep it as raw & real as possible, so that maybe you would feel my heart in this.
When things happen that there is no explanation for- it can make us angry, hopeless and withdrawn. Right now I am angry. I am confused. I have an aching in my heart for my friends because I know that they are hurting and I know there is nothing tangible I can do for them.
I will pray for them. I will love on them. But there is nothing I can do to make things easier or less painful.
Times like these- I want to scream, "Why God? Isn't it enough? Why more?"
Then a voice gently reminds me- it's not His doing. We live in a broken world. God did not create this pain or sickness.
Some turn from God in these times. But then what do they have to cling to? There is only God.
We can cling to each other- but we are not miracle-workers. There is only God.
We can cling to our stuff- video games, music, food, shopping, etc. But there is only God.
But the pain we feel & that annoying void will still be there. There is only God.
Therefore I say why run? Why turn away? You will eventually be back. There's only God.
Cling to what you know is real. He may not be tangible- be He will be.
10.07.2011
8.10.2011
everything to me
Jeff & I graduated from our adoption IMPACT training course!! We have also completed our health screenings & have the paperwork complete for that. It's so exciting to have these baby steps complete.
Baby steps. Steps towards our baby.
The other day I was trying to explain to a friend why I chose adoption versus other options (besides the fact that God has brought us to this). I realized how difficult it is to explain to someone in completely different shoes than I- how God has brought me to this place of total non-judgement for the birth mother & absolute thankfulness for her.
Thankfulness for her selfless act of love. An act of love which will make me a mother. Do you get how amazing that is? I am sure that I cannot wrap my heart around that, not being a mother yet. Not fully understanding her sacrifice, yet understanding in that as much as I long to be a mother, I could not foresee myself giving up a precious child. It is truly a beautiful & wonderful gift.
I stumbled upon this video today & had to share with you. I had no idea Mark Schultz was adopted. Please watch with tissues in hand.
Baby steps. Steps towards our baby.
The other day I was trying to explain to a friend why I chose adoption versus other options (besides the fact that God has brought us to this). I realized how difficult it is to explain to someone in completely different shoes than I- how God has brought me to this place of total non-judgement for the birth mother & absolute thankfulness for her.
Thankfulness for her selfless act of love. An act of love which will make me a mother. Do you get how amazing that is? I am sure that I cannot wrap my heart around that, not being a mother yet. Not fully understanding her sacrifice, yet understanding in that as much as I long to be a mother, I could not foresee myself giving up a precious child. It is truly a beautiful & wonderful gift.
I stumbled upon this video today & had to share with you. I had no idea Mark Schultz was adopted. Please watch with tissues in hand.
7.11.2011
heart on sleeve
Tonight is one of those nights. My heart aches.
My heart aches for what I long to have, what I long to be. This is me- heart on sleeve.
I know I need to trust. I am trusting.
I know it will happen in God's time. I'm waiting.
Through all the trusting & waiting- I still have my moments. Tonight is one of those nights.
I type thru the tears. I want to share with you. I want God to use this pain, let it not be in vain.
And one day when I get to bring my precious child home with me- the one that I have waited on oh so patiently- I will rejoice & I will praise my Father in heaven.
But tonight, I sit in a quiet, childless house and I cry alone on my couch. And I trust. And I wait.
My heart aches for what I long to have, what I long to be. This is me- heart on sleeve.
I know I need to trust. I am trusting.
I know it will happen in God's time. I'm waiting.
Through all the trusting & waiting- I still have my moments. Tonight is one of those nights.
I type thru the tears. I want to share with you. I want God to use this pain, let it not be in vain.
And one day when I get to bring my precious child home with me- the one that I have waited on oh so patiently- I will rejoice & I will praise my Father in heaven.
But tonight, I sit in a quiet, childless house and I cry alone on my couch. And I trust. And I wait.
7.08.2011
Finally...a Step Completed!
Jeff & I went to the adoption orientation class yesterday evening!!!
As I was getting ready, I felt as if I was preparing for a job interview. I even called a good friend and asked her how to dress. It's a strange feeling of being interviewed for the most important position I would ever hope to fulfill. As I was applying fresh makeup, I couldn't help but wonder if I "looked" like I'd be a good Mommy. (And now as I type that I giggle at myself.)
We went into a large meeting room where we were given a packet of papers. We read over them, filled them out, signed our hearts away. Then the case manager went over some policies and procedures. The meeting was finished an hour earlier than expected.
One interesting fact we learned is that a child with "special needs" is "any child that has been in care for more than 24 consecutive months, a member of a sibling group of two or more placed in the same home or a child with a validated physical, mental or emotional disability." From what it sounds like, Lutheran Services of Georgia concentrates mostly on special needs children, but does also work with non-special needs children. I thought it was interesting that "special needs" does not necessarily mean what you might think. There is more financial assistance if you do adopt a "special needs" child- such as monthly support until the child's 18th birthday. For a non-special needs child, there is a $6,000 fee due at the time of placement. This may sound like a lot of money but compared to another private Christian agency, it's really not that bad. There is also a tax credit available to help cover adoption expenses.
The next step is the IMPACT training we'll take the last week of July. After that we will be run through a series of background checks, health screenings and CPR/First Aid training, and the home-study process which can take 6-9 months. I am so excited to think that I could be a Mommy next year!
I could say that it's not fair that families who choose to adopt have to go through pre-screening that families who are able to have their own families do not have to endure. Instead I will say I am glad these procedures are in place. Someone needs to protect these children. It's bad enough they don't have their Mom & Dad to protect them, the last thing they need is to be placed in an unhealthy living situation.
I am praying God's will for our family! Will you join me in that prayer? Will you prayerfully consider expanding your family thru adoption?
As I was getting ready, I felt as if I was preparing for a job interview. I even called a good friend and asked her how to dress. It's a strange feeling of being interviewed for the most important position I would ever hope to fulfill. As I was applying fresh makeup, I couldn't help but wonder if I "looked" like I'd be a good Mommy. (And now as I type that I giggle at myself.)
We went into a large meeting room where we were given a packet of papers. We read over them, filled them out, signed our hearts away. Then the case manager went over some policies and procedures. The meeting was finished an hour earlier than expected.
One interesting fact we learned is that a child with "special needs" is "any child that has been in care for more than 24 consecutive months, a member of a sibling group of two or more placed in the same home or a child with a validated physical, mental or emotional disability." From what it sounds like, Lutheran Services of Georgia concentrates mostly on special needs children, but does also work with non-special needs children. I thought it was interesting that "special needs" does not necessarily mean what you might think. There is more financial assistance if you do adopt a "special needs" child- such as monthly support until the child's 18th birthday. For a non-special needs child, there is a $6,000 fee due at the time of placement. This may sound like a lot of money but compared to another private Christian agency, it's really not that bad. There is also a tax credit available to help cover adoption expenses.
The next step is the IMPACT training we'll take the last week of July. After that we will be run through a series of background checks, health screenings and CPR/First Aid training, and the home-study process which can take 6-9 months. I am so excited to think that I could be a Mommy next year!
I could say that it's not fair that families who choose to adopt have to go through pre-screening that families who are able to have their own families do not have to endure. Instead I will say I am glad these procedures are in place. Someone needs to protect these children. It's bad enough they don't have their Mom & Dad to protect them, the last thing they need is to be placed in an unhealthy living situation.
I am praying God's will for our family! Will you join me in that prayer? Will you prayerfully consider expanding your family thru adoption?
6.27.2011
Adoption Orientation
Through a friend we have learned of Lutheran Services of Georgia
Your support & prayers mean the world to me!
6.15.2011
Stranger Danger
I have become very comfortable in the circles I run in.
At work I am safe. All my co-workers know my story.
At church I am safe.They all know my story & my heart.
Within my family I am safe. They all know my story, pray for me, encourage me.
But when I get outside of those circles, that is when I avoid. I avoid others like the plague. I can walk thru a crowded room with a smile on my face and not make eye contact once. I find ways to busy myself so as to keep strangers from talking to me. It's not that I am too good or too shy. I can be very outgoing when I want to be. I remember when I loved meeting new people and learning about where they are from and what makes them smile.
I avoid people because people ask questions.
"So which one is yours?" Did your Mother not teach you to never, ever, ever assume!
"So when are you going to have kid?" Again with the assuming.
When these questions are asked, it's as if I've just had the air knocked out of me. The wind is taken from my sails. It takes a minute for me to find the words to respond.
So now that I have this knowledge, what do I do with it?
At work I am safe. All my co-workers know my story.
At church I am safe.They all know my story & my heart.
Within my family I am safe. They all know my story, pray for me, encourage me.
But when I get outside of those circles, that is when I avoid. I avoid others like the plague. I can walk thru a crowded room with a smile on my face and not make eye contact once. I find ways to busy myself so as to keep strangers from talking to me. It's not that I am too good or too shy. I can be very outgoing when I want to be. I remember when I loved meeting new people and learning about where they are from and what makes them smile.
I avoid people because people ask questions.
"So which one is yours?" Did your Mother not teach you to never, ever, ever assume!
"So when are you going to have kid?" Again with the assuming.
When these questions are asked, it's as if I've just had the air knocked out of me. The wind is taken from my sails. It takes a minute for me to find the words to respond.
So now that I have this knowledge, what do I do with it?
6.10.2011
my follow-up
I went in for my post-op follow-up appointment last Tuesday. My doctor showed me the pictures of my insides (which honestly made me want to puke) and explained to me how much my endo. is spreading (which also made me want to puke). At this point, he'd like for me to pray about trying the Lupron shots. Honestly, I didn't feel like there was much to pray about.
The side effects said it all: Hot flashes. Mood swings. And other unpleasant things.
Did I mention I'm 30 years old and otherwise healthy?
So Jeff & I talked. We kind of made a decision that we are going to try again to get pregnant the old fashioned way. I believe God still performs miracles, but if it doesn't happen there's always adoption. Either way we will adopt.
In the meantime, I am doing some research into natural ways to treat my endometriosis. As of last night, I am the proud new owner of a gym membership. *Woot! Woot!*
If you're reading this, would you stop right now and say a prayer that if God sees fit to give us a baby of our own, that He would work his magic and make it happen!
The side effects said it all: Hot flashes. Mood swings. And other unpleasant things.
Did I mention I'm 30 years old and otherwise healthy?
So Jeff & I talked. We kind of made a decision that we are going to try again to get pregnant the old fashioned way. I believe God still performs miracles, but if it doesn't happen there's always adoption. Either way we will adopt.
In the meantime, I am doing some research into natural ways to treat my endometriosis. As of last night, I am the proud new owner of a gym membership. *Woot! Woot!*
If you're reading this, would you stop right now and say a prayer that if God sees fit to give us a baby of our own, that He would work his magic and make it happen!
5.28.2011
my 2nd endo. surgery
Jeff & I have not blogged in a while. Life got busy! In February I fell off my bike, broke my arm & had surgery to put hardware in there. After weeks of therapy, my arm is finally (mostly) normal again. Two weeks ago, we returned from Haiti where we served for a week doing a vacation Bible school for a group of beautiful children there. Last week, I had my 2nd endometriosis surgery where they found that my endo has spread, they removed 2 cysts from my left ovary, but were able to maintain the ovary & said my tubes looked good.
On Tuesday, I'll return for a follow-up and to discuss treatment options for my endo. A friend came by to visit with her 10-month-old baby while I was recovering. All I can think about is how badly I want a baby in this house. I know that will greatly change the dynamics of our lives, but that is what I want - I long for that change! I want to be disturbed from my sweet dreams in the middle of the night so I can hold my sweet baby. I want the smell of baby to rub off on me. I want to look deep into his/her eyes while I feed them & tell them how precious they are. I want to tell them how big our God is, that He brought them into our lives! I just want to be a Mommy. And I want to see Jeff get to be a Daddy (a role that he will do great it, no doubt!).
So I decided it was high-time I put this out there. Let the world know the desires of my heart that my Lord knows already. I don't care if my design is lame or my spelling is off - that's not the point - the point is for people to see our hearts and to know.
On Tuesday, I'll return for a follow-up and to discuss treatment options for my endo. A friend came by to visit with her 10-month-old baby while I was recovering. All I can think about is how badly I want a baby in this house. I know that will greatly change the dynamics of our lives, but that is what I want - I long for that change! I want to be disturbed from my sweet dreams in the middle of the night so I can hold my sweet baby. I want the smell of baby to rub off on me. I want to look deep into his/her eyes while I feed them & tell them how precious they are. I want to tell them how big our God is, that He brought them into our lives! I just want to be a Mommy. And I want to see Jeff get to be a Daddy (a role that he will do great it, no doubt!).
So I decided it was high-time I put this out there. Let the world know the desires of my heart that my Lord knows already. I don't care if my design is lame or my spelling is off - that's not the point - the point is for people to see our hearts and to know.
1.18.2011
pre-application
Read all 23pgs of the PREapplication adoption packet & filled out most. Some I'll have to sleep on. I am SO excited! Sweet dreams tonight!!
1.14.2011
1.13.2011
great conversations
I can't say it enough, I can't wait to see what God has in store for the hubs & I in 2011! Had another great convo after dinner tonight! (:
1.12.2011
2011 Goals
Tonight over dinner, Jeff and I started another tradition. Goals for the new year! I know this is a short list, but maybe we'll add to it as the year progresses.
- stay employed (LOL)
- start the adoption process & possibly adopt this year! (that's being very optimistic considering the standard time frames)
- Jeff: get at least 1 promotion at work
- save up for a more permanent future residence
- get our wedding album printed (this year is our 5 year anniversary)
Remembering Haiti
a year ago today, thousands of children lost their homes, families, and some even lost their lives. praying for the children of Haiti today.Haiti Earthquake Anniversary
sweet thought
Another tweet from Jan. 11, 2011:
a sweet thought: I could be cuddling a sweet baby in my arms in the very near future God willing. pray w/us as we file adoption papers soon!
1.11.2011
Top 10 of 2010
I tweeted the following, "super excited (& emotional) about the conversations I've been having w/my awesome hubby. God is so good & thru Him our future is bright!" Here's why: over dinner tonight, Jeff & I started a new tradition; we made a list entitled "Top 10 of 2010." Even though 2010 was not the easiest year for us, we did manage to squeeze in a few highlights.
- the 1st time we played with B (our hound named Bentley) on the frozen lake in our backyard in MI
- Jeff: Hollie going off-shore with the guys for the 1st time
- making the decision to move back home to Savannah
- Jeff: turning in my 2-week notice at Signature when I landed the full-time job w/benefits
- December 1st- the day we moved into a place of our own again with ALL of our stuff out of storage for the 1st time in 2 years
- Hollie: firing a gun for the 1st time
- sledding with 2 of our nephews on New Years Day (Hollie's 1st time sledding)
- our bike tour day (we rode our bikes to every square in Savannah in 1 day)
- Hollie: learning to run & ran my 1st 5k (have walked 5k's in the past)
- Thanksgiving meal with Jeff's side of the family, which included a huge grouper that Jeff had spearfished, vacuum-sealed and carried in the cooler from GA to OH
- paid off Hollie's car = NO DEBT!!
1.01.2011
my story
My video seems like a good place to start. A friend of mine did a great job creating this video for me. It was shown that same week at Canvas Church. It's my story in a nutshell. If you would like further details, I am happy to share.
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